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Thursday, October 4, 2007

Reflection Part 1

Tonight the reflection must be on nothing other than my intentions.
What are they are where are they coming from?
How relevant is all this to my future?

Lately I have been catching the common cold on purpose. The reality is that I am making the most out of a illness. I guess a person is liable to do this and it doesn't necessarily cause harm. My intentions at first, when it came to college was to learn.

Education was the most important part of my life and it had been for sometime. I am starting to realize the education was never just from the classroom. I am being exposed to more and more new ventures, lifestyles, and ideas. I like this most of all. I have found a lot of myself here already, I have found a need to care. A lot of my intentions are relationship based. I feel that meeting new people has hindered my somewhat as far as my schedule goes.

My schedule right now is my biggest problem. I believe it could be the cause of my sudden shaky ill-fated state. See I am a college student working two jobs. Each job gives me a total of ten hours per week, so that adds up to twenty, cause you aren't really good at math, like me. That is a laughable matter because math is not my strong suit at all. Regardless of this fact; I know that I am being overworked and I am not getting enough play.

Play? How exactly can I define this for the modern day college freshman, female? For me I am out at parties on some occasions and on others I am alone in my suite or with a few most prised individuals watching a movie. I have wasted weekends at parties...in more than one sense of that word...waited! I do not like it. I leaves me paranoid and shaky for days. It my intention now, tonight, is to stop the chaos and sleep. Yet, I have an ongoing issue with sleep. It defines me sometimes as not enough or too much. I cannot get that nice in between that leaves you paying at least half the way attention in class. I either get that startled and completely awake or the slumberous non attentive. Either way, sleep puts me into stages that I have a terrible time getting out. I watched many people over sleep and I used to always feel so sorry for them, that was until I came here and came to understand their admiration for the issue. I find that I can connect myself to nearly anything if I just focus hard enough.

Honestly everything seems connected to me, I just wish I knew how to make others see this. To be honest sometimes I feel like my attendance here is a sell out to the corporates . I don't it to be that way at all, so I tell myself I am here to decide and find what will make me happy to be employed in that position for a while. My other worry is that I am loosing so much of what I used to have here and that I will never get this back; this reverts back to my ideas about relationships and the hardships of the such. I miss so much but I don't want that to ruin my present or my future. To cap it all of the question is still, why am I here? What are my intentions? Sometimes I want to invert the world and see the world through the eyes of another, viewing me.

My wish is that the world would offer itself to love, then we wouldn't have to worry ourselves into hate, despair, fear, and jealousy.

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