I am flower and I need to bloom.
Current mood: creative
I've been awake for far too long. A total of 15 hours. My sleep schedule has been so irregular lately. Sometimes I think it is because I am hiding from my subconscious, I am afraid of what it my reveal to me.
Christmas is 2 days away, that is unbelievable. This holiday season came so unexpectedly for me. I really like my glasses in my display picture. I'm sorry if my thought trail off and make no real rhyme or reason.
Sometimes I wonder if we as humans have any real reason for doing anything. We have no solid proof actual existence so what motivates us to get up in the morning, eat, go to sleep at night, but even more so, what motivates us to go to work?
I understand going to school only from the perspective that knowledge is awesome and it should be spread like wildfire throughout the world, however, that isn't what is being spread around the world. It is violence, war, drugs, crime, and unfounded cultural bias.
There are times that I am so completely comfortable in my own skin that I could never imagine living my life as anyone else, living anywhere else, and so on. Yet, on the other side of that spectrum I can imagine leaving this world. I mean I hate this world sometimes. The way people care about only themselves. The way they are so money hungry and how all they are looking for is the quick fix method to happiness.
I will teach the world a little lesson that I had to learn the hard way. Happiness is a choice but it doesn't necessarily come easy. It takes time and patience and true grit. Grit that makes you hard and makes you want to make things better.
I have written countless blogs about beauty being a result of chaos. These days all people want to hear about is the chaos. The news is always so negative. The media has it's own agenda and will relay that to you in a so called true broadcast message.
Sorry about all this. I just have so much in me tonight or rather this morning. I miss being a child not because the times were good. And the times were good, don't get me wrong but I miss it because of the naivety and innocence a child has.
I honestly think you could tell a child anything and they would believe you. Me at this age, I have to search and find the answer myself, no matter what any other trusted individual says. Another fact to this matter is that children don't even realize the world is evil. Why is this?
We aren't stupid just ignorant...I guess. They do say it is bliss. I'm not sure sometimes if I like where this world is going. Now you know that all my thoughts are far too old and far too ridiculous. I have been told many times by several people that things are just this way and we have to get used to it.
I guess none of them have ever heard of a revolution.
I'm just really sick of people who will just settle in this shit like it is some kind of comfortable bed. I didn't make this bed though, I didn't contribute to this horrid disease being spread around the world, so I won't be laying in it anytime soon. You will not catch me completely content.
It is not because I have pity for myself...Lord knows it has never been that. It is that pity for the rest of mankind. I fear more often than not, that this little ship called earth is sinking and they will all be going under.
Recently, a few weeks back I watched the movie, Evan Almighty. I don't care what anyone says, but I loved that movie and found it to be one of the most inspiring and truly uplifting movies I have ever seen. It made me want to go out and build my own ark.
I wish all men desired to be so close to God that they could glorify him and in doing so glorify the rest of mankind. I so desire to be able to be a part of man but at the same time be a part with God.
I know in my heart things are looking up for me and a few. I wish you were in this select few. Sometimes I think you are going down, alone.
There is my biggest fear, right there. Being alone. Yet, my lack of trust won't let anyone in. For so long I have know that my type needs truth and really strong and lasting relationships. I ignored that and went with the completely opposite spectrum. I actually let myself fall into a trap of intoxication in so many different ways. How I used that situation for a while and how I thought maybe it would either develop or just blow away sooner or later.
Not really sure what it was, but it blew away quickly, but for that I am very thankful and glad. I think that was a definite precaution. But here I am again. Contemplating the past and wondering how if it could, would it last.
Because honestly, if you or anyone want to know the truth, I cannot take another short trip down memory lane with this spectacle of an individual. I'm growing and I need someone and something to grow with me.
I wanna finally be that flower to someone that blooms instead of wilts within in weeks. Or rather should I ask to be a tree, so our roots will intertwine? I'm not sure but I am looking. Seeking. Thinking.
and fairly soon, I shall be sleeping.
[ Make Believe ]
what I want is for you
to press your face against mine
tell me exactly what you feel
express to me truth
and how nothing else is real
and when our hands clasp one anothers
and when our lips touch each others
we will unlock and reveal
all of the knowledge that was so consealed
of how we met
and brought it back
they were all real
nothing was imagined
whatever picture I am painting for you now
please know it used to be
please know if anything is possible
than everything is possible
when each movement works
and each motion fits
we are in our proper place
and what I need is truth
I need you
I need all the wrongs
to turn back around to rights
you and I
hold me, kiss me,
as we walk
my hand in yours
and yours in mine
beneathe the sunlight
as it hits the snowy ground
I imagine this winter scene
I'm sure you have it in you
I have faith in what I want
I have faith in what I need
all is fair
this doesn't have to be