Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Talk Out Loud Like Your Still Around

The night soon comes and I am not even ready for the afternoon. I’ll be busy by the morning. Everything just seems to fall into my lap and into place. You won’t even know I miss you cause I won’t even realize your gone until it’s too late. All the promises that we used to make and all the problems we used to fix with all those words; they don’t really mean anything but how fun it used to be.

Sometimes I think I’ll call you, I think I might apologize for thinking otherwise but I won’t. I never will. I have never needed anyone equally to the amount that I needed you but you quickly abandon me and that is all fine. I get used to being helpless and empty. But over the past few months you should know that you have been replaced for all it is worth and you did it all on your own account. All you would ever have to do is give me a ring and tell me you love me. Tell me you miss me. Tell me that I am valuable and that you should have never let me walk away like I did.

But like I said, I got so used to the pain. But you have been replaced. And as far as I can see, I’ll be better off and happier without you. I miss you all the time. I miss Friday nights with you. Rent a movie and grab some grub. Talking to you, one on one, those are things life is meant for, but I soon realize whom really cares about me.

I’ve really realized that lately. I’m a real mess sometimes but everyone is. I have started to become more and more comfortable in my own skin. Again, like I used to be. My confidence is coming back. My drive is starting to shine. I’m making real goals again. I have dreams that are different from the ones I had before but I feel satisfied and I feel a clarity. I am going to make sure all of my dreams come true.

I miss davey. There are nights I sit up and think, I truly just wish he was here to talk to, in person. Sometimes the telephone just isn’t enough. Actually, it never is. Phones cannot hold up to the real presence of another. I just have a lot of faith in God and a lot of faith in davey that he is doing good in the end. It’s hard to understand the situation sometimes but I trust him and his judgment. I just cannot wait to see him. He is one of the best friends I have ever had and I know that no matter what, we will always be friends.

Now it is April. I just did my taxes for the first time ever last week. I am looking forward to getting that extra cash from the government. I think I am going to start saving up for two major things. One a vehicle and two a round trip ticket to germany. These are things I need and or desire above all else at this very moment. It seems to me that I have filed my fafsa too late and will no longer be able to receive any governmental aids if I go to school at sbu this coming semester. I have half contemplated taking online courses. I am growing in my drive and also in my ability to handle time and a schedule. I think I could do online courses. I am sure if it doesn’t work out in one semester I will return to sbu the following semester.

I am really excited for summer to get here. I think I am the most excited about summer coming as I was when I was younger. Back when summer was my absolute favorite time. I am going to visit my mama’s and jim’s house often to have a nice swim. I am just really excited about the warm weather. The fact that I can walk or ride a bike to places I want to go. I am most excited that my only real responsibilities will be at my job for school will be out of session. Which also means friends will be down. I am just really loving life right now. I feel a reason and a path in what I am doing.

I am vastly approaching a separation between me now and somewhere I used to be. I hope as the years drag on or speed up that I will only become more self reliant, more ambitious, happier, and stronger. I hope to continue to grow both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I want help others. I want to be teach and be taught daily. I want to see several things in a single day that make it so beautiful and so unique. Things that make you happy to be alive, we are fast to forget until it is far gone. I wanna be able to think about the good while it has and is happening.

Life truly is beautiful. I think we all have something special to live for and sometimes we are sent astray to only find a better place where we belong and are needed even more so.

Tonight was a wonderful night. I walked over to Aunt Traci’s and enjoyed some of her spaghetti and garlic bread. I had a night like many special nights that only cricket, aunt traci, and I share. We snuggle in under covers on the couch and watch movies. Memories like that make me look back and smile really big. Makes me think of how often we used to do it. I am really going to miss Cricket when she goes to college. She is full of so much goodness I just cannot even tell you how grand she is. She alone can make me happy. I know she will be something spectacular to the rest of the world too someday.

The two films I watched are both going on my favorite movie list. The films were; Margot at the Wedding and Wristcutters. I have decided to include a good scene from each film and also to recommend you see them. I have to say that each of these films were beautiful. Beautiful in such a dark and real way. So much like your own existence that it makes you wonder where you are in life and what you can do to prevent certain things from happening or the fact that you cannot that life is all things good and bad. Life is so bittersweet so very much it’s own savior and it’s own demise at the very same time. I guess in that aspect we as people are life. We make it. We make it worth something, we make it powerful, awkward, meaningful, ugly, beautiful, dangerous, strange, every adjective! We humans create our own existence whatever it be, it is our own story. Everyone has something to say, something to tell. Who cares if anyone is listening, in the end someone always has the ears for your words.

i’m currently listening to coconut records, the cure, and devendra banhart, and you should be too.

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