Existence

How I Understand, I'm All Out Of Luck!

2008-06-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

As of lately I have been seriously over and under sleeping but seriously, what is new in the life of Alexis? I'm really unaware of what even tomorrow will hold for me. I don't honestly care at this point in time. I put a whole lot of myself into other people. I'm tired of being the giver. I wanna receive something for once. I want to badly to be done with people as a whole sometimes. Just flush them all down the drain except for a select few. I guess we all go through moments where we would like to exterminate most of the universe. We are just waiting to be our demise. I see it. It's the truth we know but try to cover up. You do not really care about me. I've realized. You only think of me when we are talking and when we aren't I do not even exist. I need to be more to you than just a person. I'm sure I'm not going to be. It is time for me to decide what matters most to me. I don't know or I cannot remember.

My body is shaking. I have cold sweats and hot flashes and seriously painful migraines and a stomach that makes me weezy and some ears to make me dizzy. I got up at 7am to take some medication and went back to sleep until around 5pm. Went to the bathroom, then went back to sleep until 7:30pm. I have no idea what is making me sick. I believe it's all allergies.

Music always makes me feel better. I think tomorrow I am going to start working on my mixed tapes (compact discs) for Cricket and Jenna. I hope they enjoy them and always think of good times when they listen to them. I am going to fill them up completely with dangerously awesome songs...(previous comment may have been one of the most ridiculous statements I have ever said but I digress.)

It is so strange to me the way a certain song can compress every emotion a person feels at one consecutive time frame. Thus the mixed tape!

As of right now I am feeling four songs.

1. Stephanie Says - The Velvet Underground
2. Tonight, Tonight - Smashing Pumpkins
3. How Beautiful You Are - The Cure
4. Change is Hard - She & Him

I think all in all this post is about done. I am letting go.

[and this is why I hate you, and how I understand, that no one ever knows or loves another]

Do Something With Your Life, Because You Dream About It At Night

2008-05-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have a sudden feeling that something good is about to happen. I am starting to see the brighter side of things again and I am loving every second of it. My holiday break thus far has been pretty good. I am quite sure this is the best break from school a person could possibly have(despite the fact that one of my best friends in the entire universe is states away). Regardless, I have got to spend a lot of time with people that I love and miss, including the lovely Julia Kropka. Saying good-bye yet another time, is going to present a fairly difficult task but I believe I will be able to manage because I have made up my mind. I made up my mind on several issues and so therefore, they are resolved.

A while ago I wrote a blog about not making plans because I felt that things were going to fall in to some sort of order nonetheless and regardless of what I do. Lately I realized that I actually don't believe. I don't believe that at all really. The idea that everything happens for a reason is an idea coinciding with the theory of fate. I myself, for quite sometime have always believed in free will.

The debate over free will and fate is quite the interesting one. I understand certain aspects of both and I believe that there are situations in our lives in which both must exist. My thought is that the only two elements that are fate and we do not choose are the elements of live and death. If you believe in God, you believe he created the world and all of it's inhabitants. So God choose when to create live and I also believe he is in charge of destroying it as well. Essentially the message is that you are born because God has reason to create life. It is your free will to decide what you do with that life. Then God decides when you die. Everything in between birth to grave is up to us.

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will."
Jawaharal Nehru

So here's my decision, here is my plan. Yes! I am making plans again because if you don't make them or set goals what reason do I have to get up or live a life? What would motivate or inspire a person to live if they have no real goals? Nothing solid to stand on and hope for, even if they do not succeed at least they have that dream. The idea that there is worth in the things you do, I lost that for a while. I lost motivation and inspiration but it is all coming back to me.

The other night as I sat on the computer and talked to Davey I realized that I was acting like I was not in control of my own life. I was acting childish and letting the things that surround me over take me. Well I became inspired as I listen to Davey talk and as I sit and read inspiration quotes; obviously.

Anyway I felt like I had been kind of dull in all aspects of the word and in all aspects of my life. So then as inspiration was shed upon me like a beacon of light I realized that the way I was acting was completely unlike me. Generally, I like to be happy, I like to make others feel good and laugh and be a sunshine in someone's otherwise cloudy or gray day.

So I was awaken from a state of comatose. I had been wallowing in hollow and dark grounds. I feel a lot better. I feel like I am again ready to take on the world and accomplish whatever goals I set forth.

As of now I want to accomplish a few and move on to bigger and better and so on.

-~~Finish Registration for SBU~~

~~-Find a Job~~

-Start driving

-Save Money

-Buy a Car

-Save More Money

-Finish Semester

-Save More Money

-Take a break with some of the saved money and visit Julia in Germany.

Those are just a few things I would like to accomplish within the year of 2008. I am hoping that this new year will prove to be a good one. These aren't resolutions because most resolutions are about changing or altering a state of mind. I would like to make to resolution to be more positive in all elements of my life and towards everyone else.

Good can only produce good and no amount of wrongs can make a right. I am going to be happier and I am going to do that for others. I am sorry for neglecting people that I care about to be selfish and I am sorry for being so self-seeking. I am done with all of that and I am making a plan to love, myself and everyone else.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I question most everyone in their motives and I find it near to impossible to trust. I guess in some ways it is selfish of my to want to keep myself whole and completely because I will never find what I am looking for that way. I just find trouble and I find it really easily. I wanna see good in everyone and I can honestly.

In fact below after you comment I guarantee to post a reply of at least two truthfully positive and nice things about you.

I want to produce more joy and I think this is a definite good way to do it.

P.S.

to all my lay lady lay's that are going back to msu this spring!
I am going to miss you all so badly. It is going to prove difficult to not have any of you around. You aren't that far away and when I get the money and the machine I will drive my little butt to see you. I love you all very much.

P.P.S.

to Julia and Davey

you two are more separate from me than any of my other friends but you two prove to be some of the best friends any person could ask for...and I love you dearly. Davey, I miss you and I will continue too miss you.
Julia, I promise to visit you in Germany. Davey if I don't see you in Missouri this summer you can bet I will see you in California.

P.P.P.S.

inspiration can come from good or bad things and once you find it, hold on to it tightly.

I am in love with the world tonight!

I want you all to see, hear, smell, and taste how I feel.

Inspirational quotations!

life :

Dost thou love life?
Then do not squander time,
for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
Helen Keller

The great blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it.
Seneca
(7 B.C. - 65 A.A.)

dreams:

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.
Henry David Thoreau

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.
Langston Hughes

The question for each man to settle is not what he would do if he had means, time, influence and educational advantages; the question is what he will do with the things he has. The moment a young man ceases to dream or to bemoan his lack of opportunities and resolutely looks his conditions in the face, and resolves to change them, he lays the corner-stone of a solid and honorable success.
Hamilton Wright Mabie

So do something with your life because you dream about it at night!

Scenes Part One

2008-05-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

The following are ten movie scenes that have altered my being as a person in someway or another. perhaps the scene has made me view life from a different perspective or perhaps it has given me a little bit of hope or laughter even still these scenes have changed me. I want you all to at least have a glance at them.

me you and everybody we know

I find this film but especially this opening scene to have a rare quality. The quality being that it truly captures life and how strange and beautiful it truly is. I think about how these words are so powerful and meaningful to me. They have ensured a divine change within me. One that seeks to love each and every aspect of my existence.

the royal tenenbaums

Everything about this movie is magnificent. This scene is the best and the most beautiful. It demonstrates the idea that you truly cannot change who you love. It is a terribly bittersweet thing. This is life. And Ruby Tuesday starts in the background, and margot says, "I think we’re just gona have to be secretly in love and leave it at that Richie", it is truly spectacular in the most unusual sense.

everything is illuminated

As far as I am concerned this films title truly captures it. I love the way he Alex describes his admiration of America and Michael Jackson. It is absolutely premium. If you watch this film you will go through nearly every emotion it is guaranteed.

I heart huckabees

mark wahlberg is fantastic in this movie, his entire confusion over what matters and what doesn’t and whether or not everything is connected. It is a true struggle I am sure most human beings go through. I love this film. I love existentialism and putting it so hilariously into a film. "Don’t stop asking questions baby". "We need to sit down and talk cause this book is making a lot of sense to me". Plus I love Dustin Hoffman and especially his hair in this movie.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

the ending of the film, it is of course so beautiful and so ideal. I truly think every relationship is give and take, it must be, nothing is perfect, and that is life and that is real and wonderful.

garden state

"it’s life, if nothing else it’s life and sometimes it fucking hurts but it’s sort of all we have". garden state was a movement for me. i feel in love with zach braff and natalie portman as a pair. it was just so perfect, so cooky, and so meant to be. garden state is a great movie for so many reasons. I like this scene so much because of the raw feelings that it seems to capture and of course the chemistry and the quote.

running with scissors

to me this scene says so much about doing whatever you need to feel complete or free. it is really a neat look at how phyiscial our emotions can be at times. it is like finding a physical cure to any terrible emotive state, especially the feeling of being trapped. I adore this movie. it is even more amazing that it is all true.

art school confidencial

this scene is so funny and true at times. I am sure one could see this happening in almost any subject. art is so subjective it is difficult to be objective it is just so hilarious the way they critique the work.

trainspotting

best opening scene of any film hands down. choose life. it is absolutely extraordinary, a drug addict giving advice, preaching choose life and not drugs, choose life instead of having to run away like me...right now. Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good
health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your
friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing
game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pushing your last in a miserable
home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life.
Great advice!

the science of sleep

I love this movie is is visually stunning and just adoreable. it is cute and interesting. I love this scene because it is supossed to be about someone’s dreams and where they come from.

there are more movies and scenes of course that I could add to this list, but as for now, this will do.

enjoy your day.

I Know What To Call You Now

2008-05-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Some say that the one thing you want the most in life is what you are most afraid of. I wonder if that is true? If so I guess I truly desire commitment and to be snuggled up in a really tight spot. Perhaps my claustrophobia and fear of commitment go hand in hand. A little physical to the metaphysical or at least the mental. What am I getting at? I have no real idea. I just know that I am getting somewhere. I am making connections and looking for loose ends to tie up again and again and yet again.

I don't think that I truly desire either one of those things and maybe I am just afraid to stay in one place or with one person for too long. I have no idea. I like people. I like places and things. I am a noun sort of person. I also like verbs but adjectives are my favorite. They allow us to describe the person, the place, and all the things around us. They are like magic within a sentence. The extra 'it' factor that everyone needs to make it.

I think sometimes I am afraid of change but at the same time I don't like things to be so routine either. I don't like all these contradictions but it keeps me juiced and ready for discussion.

I like life. I like the good and the bad. We get to soak up each moment with such emotion that it makes every second worth more than words or images or what they could ever describe. There is nothing like being there. Like touching something or someone. There is nothing like life. There is nothing so bittersweet so delicate and vital so fair and strong. Yes, I rather enjoy life.

I like the extreme highs and the extreme lows that I sometimes have it allows me to get a taste of both sides of the spectrum. I am strange. I am bright. I am loud. I am obnoxious at times and dorky and tech savvy. I have strong feelings towards most issues. I like to think I about all aspects of every concern before making a decision. I like to be over analytical. I am sensitive and strong. I can take words very seriously because for me, words are extremely powerful and wonderful elements of living.

Sometimes when I feel really bad and I know I feel terrible I still keep listening to conor oberst sing but not be cause I am depressed but because I feel a strange connection to his lyrics and they seem to reiterate days, weeks, months, and primary ideas in my life. I haven't listened to bright eyes in a while. Music does a lot to my emotions and my mood. I can always put the strokes on and feel better almost immediately. They bring me back to a time when things were simpler and very upbeat. Then if I turn on devendra banhart I feel a connection to nature and the entire world is one thing. I feel a brilliant embrace being placed around the earth like a blanket when I hear his words. He is like nothing else. And when I listen to Beirut I just wanna go pack my bags immediately and leave America and go live in the older country and find some foreign boy to be my soul mate. Beirut makes me feel homesick for a place that I haven't yet traveled and it makes me feel romantic and beautiful. The beatles are not in a certain category of mood. They seem to have songs that can make me feel better or worse about things. The meanings seem ever changing as I develop as a person. Bob Dylan makes me want to write anything and sing whatever I write however. He inspires me. I feel bolder when I listen to him. He makes me feel pensive and brave and I love to have those two combined.

Whatever the mixture whatever the mood music can and will take me different places. I am now going to recommend a list of ten songs I want all the readers to check out immediately.

1.Hey Mama Wolf-Devendra Banhart
2.Elephant Gun-Beirut
3.Head Home-Midlake
4.Pale Blue Eyes-Velvet Underground
5.Don't Think Twice It's Alright-Bob Dylan
6.Loose Lips-Kimya Dawson
7.Waterloo Sunset-The Kinks
8.Samson-Regina Spektor
9.Her Father and Her-Adam Green
10.I'm Looking Through You-The Beatles

Anyway I hope you will have some suggestions as well but even more I hope you have an excellent day.

I am a Flower and I Need to Bloom

2008-05-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am flower and I need to bloom.
Current mood: creative
Category: Life

I've been awake for far too long. A total of 15 hours. My sleep schedule has been so irregular lately. Sometimes I think it is because I am hiding from my subconscious, I am afraid of what it my reveal to me.

Christmas is 2 days away, that is unbelievable. This holiday season came so unexpectedly for me. I really like my glasses in my display picture. I'm sorry if my thought trail off and make no real rhyme or reason.

Sometimes I wonder if we as humans have any real reason for doing anything. We have no solid proof actual existence so what motivates us to get up in the morning, eat, go to sleep at night, but even more so, what motivates us to go to work?

I understand going to school only from the perspective that knowledge is awesome and it should be spread like wildfire throughout the world, however, that isn't what is being spread around the world. It is violence, war, drugs, crime, and unfounded cultural bias.

There are times that I am so completely comfortable in my own skin that I could never imagine living my life as anyone else, living anywhere else, and so on. Yet, on the other side of that spectrum I can imagine leaving this world. I mean I hate this world sometimes. The way people care about only themselves. The way they are so money hungry and how all they are looking for is the quick fix method to happiness.

I will teach the world a little lesson that I had to learn the hard way. Happiness is a choice but it doesn't necessarily come easy. It takes time and patience and true grit. Grit that makes you hard and makes you want to make things better.

I have written countless blogs about beauty being a result of chaos. These days all people want to hear about is the chaos. The news is always so negative. The media has it's own agenda and will relay that to you in a so called true broadcast message.

Sorry about all this. I just have so much in me tonight or rather this morning. I miss being a child not because the times were good. And the times were good, don't get me wrong but I miss it because of the naivety and innocence a child has.
I honestly think you could tell a child anything and they would believe you. Me at this age, I have to search and find the answer myself, no matter what any other trusted individual says. Another fact to this matter is that children don't even realize the world is evil. Why is this?

We aren't stupid just ignorant...I guess. They do say it is bliss. I'm not sure sometimes if I like where this world is going. Now you know that all my thoughts are far too old and far too ridiculous. I have been told many times by several people that things are just this way and we have to get used to it.

I guess none of them have ever heard of a revolution.

I'm just really sick of people who will just settle in this shit like it is some kind of comfortable bed. I didn't make this bed though, I didn't contribute to this horrid disease being spread around the world, so I won't be laying in it anytime soon. You will not catch me completely content.

It is not because I have pity for myself...Lord knows it has never been that. It is that pity for the rest of mankind. I fear more often than not, that this little ship called earth is sinking and they will all be going under.

Recently, a few weeks back I watched the movie, Evan Almighty. I don't care what anyone says, but I loved that movie and found it to be one of the most inspiring and truly uplifting movies I have ever seen. It made me want to go out and build my own ark.

I wish all men desired to be so close to God that they could glorify him and in doing so glorify the rest of mankind. I so desire to be able to be a part of man but at the same time be a part with God.

I know in my heart things are looking up for me and a few. I wish you were in this select few. Sometimes I think you are going down, alone.

There is my biggest fear, right there. Being alone. Yet, my lack of trust won't let anyone in. For so long I have know that my type needs truth and really strong and lasting relationships. I ignored that and went with the completely opposite spectrum. I actually let myself fall into a trap of intoxication in so many different ways. How I used that situation for a while and how I thought maybe it would either develop or just blow away sooner or later.

Not really sure what it was, but it blew away quickly, but for that I am very thankful and glad. I think that was a definite precaution. But here I am again. Contemplating the past and wondering how if it could, would it last.

Because honestly, if you or anyone want to know the truth, I cannot take another short trip down memory lane with this spectacle of an individual. I'm growing and I need someone and something to grow with me.

I wanna finally be that flower to someone that blooms instead of wilts within in weeks. Or rather should I ask to be a tree, so our roots will intertwine? I'm not sure but I am looking. Seeking. Thinking.

and fairly soon, I shall be sleeping.

[ Make Believe ]

what I want is for you
to press your face against mine
tell me exactly what you feel
express to me truth
and how nothing else is real
and when our hands clasp one anothers
and when our lips touch each others
we will unlock and reveal
all of the knowledge that was so consealed
of how we met
and brought it back
the love
the sparks
they were all real
nothing was imagined
whatever picture I am painting for you now
please know it used to be
please know if anything is possible
than everything is possible
when each movement works
and each motion fits
we are in our proper place
together
and what I need is truth
I need you
I need all the wrongs
to turn back around to rights
you and I
hold me, kiss me,
as we walk
my hand in yours
and yours in mine
we tremble
beneathe the sunlight
as it hits the snowy ground
I imagine this winter scene
I'm sure you have it in you
I have faith in what I want
I have faith in what I need
all is fair
believe me
this doesn't have to be
make believe

The Magical Universe

2008-05-21T11:41:00.001-07:00

our friendship, is pretty nuts alexis...the more we talk and the longer i know you the more my love for you grows, but that makes it so much harder since we are apart. it's weird that we are the farthest apart we have ever been and also the closest we have ever been. all i want to do right now is give you a really big hug and tell you how much i love you. and i can't, and sometimes that makes me a little miserable. today was a pretty sweet day for me, i just sat around all morning listening to bob dylan and watching my flaming lips dvd, then went to work and had a pretty good night there. i'm really glad neither of us hung up last night in the silence, things really turned out great. i'm glad we are so tight that i can call and unload on you like that, then we can just sing a song together to end the night. you are so special lexi, i'm not sure you know how much you mean to me. i just can't wait to see you, davey!

I think there are certain things in life that go unsaid and actually need to be said more than what is regularly said. I once posted a blog with a lot of random numbers and I did not reveal with whom I was speaking too. I almost always contemplate revealing those but then I had a better idea. I believe I am just going to pick people and say certain things about them. Certain things that I feel need to be announced and said. Regardless of how it will make them feel or what reaction it will create. Davey and I have a very amazing relationship. It seems to be so strong. As you can see in the above paragraph, so strong despite the distance. I miss him so. I have a lot of respect for him and I hope that more people can experience a true friendship like this.

And now the words of wisdom, insight, advice, pleasure, disdain, and so on that I will present to a number of people. I am sorry if this offends but even more so I hope it will shed light onto many of your lives and help you to wake up. I am going through my friends list to find people.

Cricket:
Sometimes you are awfully mean and it hurts me but I know that you do not even realize this. More than that though I see such an amazing, beautiful, and unique person. You are magnificent in every way. I know you will do and see great things. All your dreams are most definitely a possibility, you are grand. I miss a lot of the times we used to have and it is confusing to me being back here and discovering that it isn't the same. But I am obnoxious to even expect something so absurd. I love you.

Julia:
I admire you so much. I think you are so beautiful and I cannot wait to come and see you in Germany. You have such a kind heart and I know you will be something absolutely spectacular. You lovely and wise. I love you.

Jessica Sun:
You are truly full of inspiration and strength. You have so much character and charm and I know you have only good and kind thoughts towards me. I never understood how others couldn't be more honest with you but I have never been dishonest. I think you are a glorious individual and I miss the wonderful times we have had together. I have my fingers crossed that we will work together again during this summer. You help me to restore faith, I love you.

Stevi:
We have a very interesting friendship. There have been times that I have had such disdain for you but we both grew up and grew out of it. You have been through a lot but you have persevered and that demonstrates a lot of courageousness, character, and power. You are wonderful in so many ways. I love how constantly you will tell about the numerous amounts of times that we have laughed together in your car for hours about god only knows what. You are brilliant in so many ways. I love you.

Seth:
You are my opi. I love you. I have never had a friend like you or met anyone like you. You let a lot of terrible people walk all over you and Cricket and I really broke you out of that and your little shell. I told you I will always have a place in my heart for you and that is true. You are such an intelligent and dorky and fun person and I just love you to pieces.

Jess:
You are my wife. My favorite party pal. I just love you. I am so glad that we became friends for so many different reasons. You have really added a lot of entertainment and insight into my life. You are so beautiful and confident, you truly shine. I love you.

Lindsey:
You are a goof but in the most unforgettable and glorious way. You are truly you. I have learned a lot from you. Had many arguments, shed tears about random debates and such. We had some really awesome discussions and I love to chat with you about the differences in my perception and yours. I love you and your freckles.

Jenna:
You are awesome in more ways than one. You have a light that follows you and a lot character and morals that you hold close to your heart. I hope that doesn't change. I truly believe you could be president someday. God knows I will vote for you. I love you.

Mina:
I remember being your friend as a child but it doesn't seem to compare to our level of friendship now. I learned a lot from you the past semester and I am so sorry that I left so many people I care for behind, yet again. You are very fun intelligent and strong. I am so glad I got to know more about you. You are much more than I ever thought and I love you.

Lindsay:
I care deeply for you but I feel like you are on a destructive path. The last time I saw you I was hurt and angered by your actions and lack of respect. I guess it is hard to give and to have love and respect for others if you are not feeling it or receiving it yourself. You are very very intelligent and we had a very instant friendship. I hope you are doing well now. You and I were going through a very tough time together and that built a bond I am sure will be hard or impossible to break. I love you.

Amanda Wood:
You are such a wonderful person. You are so funny and I never laugh with anyone else the way I laugh with you. It is so real and almost childlike and it is so great. I think you have such a true beauty about you. You show such strength.You will be something excellent. I love you.

Ma:
I love you more than anything. You truly have helped me see reason for living and so much more. You are my strength in my weakness and my inspiration or light in my darkness. I only hope I can return half of what you have given to me because you deserve so much and more. It is so hard to put into words all that you have done and all that you mean to me. You are truly the most beautiful and magnificent person and mother anyone could ask for, I am so glad that God gave you to me, or me to you! I love you.

Aunt Traci:
There is so much to say to you as well. I find you to be one of my biggest role models and one of my best friends. You deserve so much I cannot fathom why it hasn't found you yet. Sometimes, no all the time I feel like I will go through the same trials. If so I have you to help me through it, as I hope I have for you. You are beautiful and funny and kindhearted. You care about the things that matter and I admire you deeply. I love you.

Courtney:
You have such a sweetheart and sometimes that can be bad because you will let people walk all over you. But having me as your older sister (me beating you up all the time) has made you really courageous. You are just so cute. I always want to hug you. I love you. I miss being your sissy.

Connor:
You are one of the cutest dorks and best cosions. I am always amazed at when the time comes, how men change their appearance or perceptions that the outer world might have of them when it comes to helping out the family. Connor you are a good kid. You have a big heart. You sit around in your underwear and play video games a lot but I still love you.

Kancy:
You are one of my best friends, even though we get into arguments a lot. You have good advice, mostly. Sometimes I wish you weren't so vocal about certain things but other times I am really glad you are. It is give and take really but I truly appreciate you and our friendship means a lot to me.

Josh:
You are a good guy and much more than you let people see. I hope that whenever you go and wherever you go you find what you are looking for there.

Steven:
I miss you. You seriously weird me out sometimes but generally I really like being around you. You are funny and you make me happy. You are so goofy and very different. I miss singing all kinds of songs with you, such as my paper heart and you giving me weird nicknames like superboobs or hotpants.

Matty:
Curious george you are great lol. You have a large part that you don't let out to often and you are truly one cool cat. I am so thankful that I got to see some of that side of you. You have a pretty good taste in music and movies, which is something I would not have expected when first meeting you, although I have known you forever it seems the last two years or so we have became better friends. I am going to miss eating with you at the dining hall and so on. Keep cool.

Tess:
You are hands down the best R.A. ever. I miss you already and I have not been gone that long. I will definitely travel my happy butt up to Springfield to see you graduate. You are such funny person and I am glad I got to move into blair. I love you.

Madi:
You think I am a weirdo and I love that about you. I love you for your strength and sense of humor and how you have more depth than most people. You are inspirational. I adore thee.

Brittany:
Best roommate ever. Seriously we were destined to be roommates. You are beautiful and fun and just understanding and I loved every minute of residing with you and I'd do it again, if it wasn't msu. You are just wonderful. Give my regards to Jake...love you both.

And to everyone else that is not mentioned I am sorry. You can put a request in if you like. I will give you a little piece of my mind if you really want it.

Today is Wednesday. I started classes at SBU on Monday. I think I made the right decision coming back to Salem. There are times of course, that I believe that I might have left something good but then I remember the feelings I had deep within me bursting almost outside of me in fits of pain and in tears. I am glad to have left. Yet I miss many people. I think so much of what I have done has been to help me form into the human I am supposed to be. I am getting used to leaving people and watching them leave me.

If you left me this very moment I would weep but a very second later I would pick up my own bags and move somewhere else as well. I like the life I lead. I have no real strings attached to anything. I am enjoying this near high school experience, we shall see what turns up later on.

Right now I am enrolled in 5 courses. The courses being Computers, English, College Algebra, Biology, and later on in the semester Critical Thinking. I believe this is a true opportunity to test my decision making skills and also to see if I have the ability to make the most of a situation, (which I am crossing my fingers that I still have that particular talent).

I have always thought that creative people are made out of circumstance. I most definitely am a pure example of that theory. It is so strange the way I write. I intended, at first for this blog to be a little spill about certain individuals and such but it has obviously become so much more. Most people are going to forget that they opened this little entry suspiciously after hearing from another individual that their name was mentioned in it.

I am tired of people creating notions about me. I have stopped talking as much as I used to. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I now understand that I can do so much more just by listening. Also I seem to grow further detached from most of society.

While I was in Springfield that was all I would pray and hope for, a total detachment from society. To live, to breath, alone. I have wanted that more than anything this past year. It is like once you leave a certain institution you lose your purpose.

Everyone is looking for their purpose. I seem to have found certain purposeful positions for others but I am constantly struggling to find mine. They do say that it is the journey not the destiny that matters.

I do recognize more than ever, the beauty. The beauty in every second. Things are so good if you want them to be and just the counter. I engage in writing these days that sheds even more light on the brighter side of life. It helps me to feel more complete.

I hope that my writing means something to someone. I believe our existence is elegant and we are here to exchange and interact ideas and concepts. I have so much knowledge that I wish to gain and I know there is no way to learn it all.

I find everyday life humorous.
Today I was in my English class and this man explained that he did not want Barack Obama in office because "he wasn't an American, he was a Muslim", that statement to me is truly both hilarious and troubling. Obviously this individual is very convicted but not at all informed or seriously ill informed. If you are not catching on to this the man seems to view Muslim as being a race.

Muslim is a religion. An American can be a Muslim. Only an American can run for president.
Muslims believe in the book of the Quran. The man also was angered by the fact that Barack would not say the pledge of allegiance. I am Christian but I also believe in freedom of religion and speech. I truly believe that if this man believes in a different God than he need not say it. Especially if he is not causing a fuss that someone else is saying it. Freedom of speech is there for everyone to do exactly that express themselves freely.

I just really find it harmful to have individuals in a society that will only allow for freedom of speech if it is speech they approve of.

I wonder whom everyone will be voting from president.

My last list that was hidden had little stuff about teachers inside of it. I find that rather amusing. I like the fact that I know many people already at SBU. I think that is a bit of a benefit now but I am surely going to move far away and make a whole new life for myself once my general education requirements are met.

I think everyday is a new beginning.

I was discussing with Davey the other day the fact that everything on the Internet produces results instantly, or almost immediately. I said I think that could possibly be on of the reasons that I adore the Internet so much. Then again if everything were so fast he said, "we would loose a lot of the surprise" and I said, "yes, you are correct and also a lot of it's value". It isn't weird how time becomes a measurement for value.

What is time...and value...how is value a function of time? My algebra and my free writing are coinciding we might be on the brink of something brilliant.

good days old chaps.

and let me follow this up with a quote for concise summarization.
this one in particular is dedicated to Davey from me and Mr. Paul McCartney
"Think globally, act locally"

"In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents. Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen."-William S. Burroughs

And

2008-05-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

And
to begin something new with that word means a continuation of something previous.
I might be started a brand new topic or I might be brining something older back.
I keep try to pursue you because you are the one that contains all the things I lack.

In
this world there are many things I have such passion for. Sometimes even the most beautiful things are not seen with your eyes. I will demonstrate how I have runaway.
Without crying, without lying. Oh besides you I would make the best of today.

The
real problem is that I felt you for so long and I've been the one to say it's gone. But if I spoke the truth and that was the only words I could speak, well then you would know that I've only been all wrong.

End
or begin. Something happens. It happens that life is all windows and doors. Sometimes they are opened and sometimes they are closed. Sometimes you jump and other time you just peek. I've been the middle for so many years now. I'm ready to move on.

The
moment you realize that what you need and what you want are the same, then you know you have stopped the game. It is over. Two become one and all things wrong turned around. I'd like to think we've just begun.

Love
Is and will be. I hope.

You
and I are so many moods. we are so many colors. we are so many sounds. We are a song, we are a lyric, written and spoken so softly that even the most cynical of characters can understand the meaning.

Take
what you are owed but nothing more.

Is
everything interchangeable. Are you?

Equal
things are the wanted things. Two separates that mean the same. Equals are not as vulnerable when they have each other.

To
everyone there are dreams that mean more than reality. Soon they become one. Like equals, Like you and I. Dreams are happening, to everyone. It's daily. It's life. Dreaming turns into existence. You believe all your thoughts to life.

The
pleasures that are contained into one moment make all pain worthwhile. How life changes instantly like a tune on a turntable. How well mixed are our pains and pleasures.

Love
Is and will be. I hope again. Someday.

You
have words that I wish were mine sometimes. But I remember how scarred that would make me. I think I have enough on my own.

Make
a place in yourself to hold me. Mold me into your ideal. Make me into your dream, but soon you will realize I have always been exactly what I seem. And nothing truly begins with and. It is just me saying hello again.

Hello! Goodbye?

2008-05-21T02:53:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about how one person's actions can most certainly cause another person's actions. It seems to be so subconscious, but I am starting to see it and to understand it. The concept can be a rather hard one to grasp but here is the story and from it you can make your own judgments.

I believe that God is real and all around us. I believe that no place, no materials, nothing other than yourself and possibly the work of other people can bring you closer to God. In this same sense those things can led you away from God but no one is the cause. No one leads you away except yourself.

It is like this. I feel like you are leaving me, every time I speak to you. Every conversations seems to separate us more. I hate the distance. I hate that that you think certain entities have placed you further away. I am starting to get angry and I am most definitely disagreeing.

I understand the leaving.
I did it myself.
But the contemplation that you might be staying...for years. It hurts. Honestly I do not believe you are called to leave a place but possibly to improve upon yourself. A certain land does not make a man successful.

In worldly ideas and views possibly but not honestly successful. What makes a man successful is his faith, his hope, his love for God and the rest of mankind. True success is knowing that you care for someone and they care for you and too what extend is only an extension to the success.

Fatherhood is success, motherhood is success
Friendship is success, relationships are success
We are the people. We are the ones.
We make ourselves. We interact, we learn, we achieve.

I think you are being selfish. I am only being honest.
I look around at this place, I call home and I see it.
I see it everyday. People I love being destroyed.
They are mad. Especially he.
I know he needs you more than even me.

You are not wrong for leaving. You were correct.
But I believe you are lying to yourself, by saying what you need isn't here.
I hear your cries and I am well aware of what you are looking for and it is here and has been for quite some time.

Again
I am happy.
I am feeling whole and pure.
I am feeling uplifting to myself and to others.
I am feeling the change
a breath
of fresh air
runs through me.

And to the other,

I am sorry that I spent so much time on you.
But it was not in vain and it was not wasted.
I learned a lot and I am stronger.
I fear the worst for you.
I care so much for you.
I have taken the liberty of blaming others for your mistakes.

Then again my dear all of these have been your own descion.
It is like you have one of the best hands ever delt but you keep throwing it out, and me. You keep loosing a little bit of me.

Each time I see you, I know you are loosing youself
and you have been uncovered by crooks and they lie to you and pretend to be your friends. But true friends do not encourage bad behavior.
They are honest.
They tell you what is right and what is wrong for you.
Even if it means you will no longer be with them.

I am not going to blame them anymore.
I am not going to allow you to have me anymore.
You have so much to give
and so much to offer
and you know it
and so do I
and it is killing me inside to see you rotting like this.
I hope leaving will prevail.

I miss the days long ago
before
when I used to only look
and I would never touch
how the physical
can change so much
it has been a benifit
for quite sometime
but I am growing ill
of knowing you will never feel
the way I do
or at least you won't admit
after all the toxians are gone
you just move
and keep on
moving on

and one step forward
at times can be
one step back
if you do not know exactly
where you are at.

I believe in you.
I believe in everyone.
You all have made me happy.
You all have made me feel something.
Isn't life about that?

I want the truth
to reveal itself to me
in the form
of you

of you
finally speaking
saying
something

may I express my regards and recite my favorite quote!

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pretty Awesome

2008-05-21T02:36:00.001-07:00

It has suddenly come to my attention that there are more than a few paths I could take a this certain time and the same goes for all the rest of you.
But as for most of the options I feel like I am coming to the end of the road.
I’m starting to realize the truth in people. The truth that was covered by a veil of adolescence. I’m growing tired of petty things and I am ready for real solid grounds. In my personal life I have all but attached myself to the others. Now I am alone but I am the happiest I have ever been. I feel strong and independent. I feel like nothing and no one can get in my way or bring me down. I feel a change coming upon me and it’s exciting.

I wish some real folk would come visit me in my little apartment. We would have coffee and conversation. We would discuss the highlights of our day and laugh about the past. How silly we all used to be. I’m not sure but this is somewhat of a letter to myself and somewhat a letter to all the rest of you. Especially you. If you can read into this and know whom you are then I applaud you.

I have been lately thinking I wonder if you will make the same mistake that I made using the same thought process and the same opportunities. Then again we aren’t that much alike, not that much at all. I think too much about everything and you just want to let it all slide. I’ve come to an path where I can see both ends. I see you and I see me. You can leave or you can stay and the same goes for me. I’ve chosen to stay because I feel a stronger hold here. You will leave. You always leave when I need you the most but I deny it. I deny that I needed you.

But no more. No more needing others. I can want you. I can even yearn for you but no more needing. You always tell so many tales anymore, it’s so hard for me to find truth in you or in anything else for that matter. I told this much but you think it’s cause I’m selfish. You all think that about me.

So that is just a flaw I have. "I think about myself too much and I ruin who I love". But I tell you now with all the past aside and with all that lies ahead and with everything within my little being, I’m sorry. I’m learning. And I’m growing. I’m not as stubborn as I used to be. I’m not as easy to understand but I am easy to calm.

I know I am developing because of all the sudden joy and strength I feel rising inside of me. I’m not really afraid anymore. I think if you wanna take a little piece of me, you’ve wanted it so long, wondering if you’ll ever get it.

I often wonder what the future will hold but as for now I am just going to enjoy the ride and see where it takes me.

Again I find myself obsessed with the strokes and also the cure. I think has something to do with getting back on the right track. I always listen to the strokes when I feel the most awesome and right now I feel pretty awesome. Nah, I just think it means I’m becoming a lot like I used to be with a better mind set and a little more reserved flavor.

I Talk Out Loud Like Your Still Around

2008-05-21T02:21:00.000-07:00

The night soon comes and I am not even ready for the afternoon. I’ll be busy by the morning. Everything just seems to fall into my lap and into place. You won’t even know I miss you cause I won’t even realize your gone until it’s too late. All the promises that we used to make and all the problems we used to fix with all those words; they don’t really mean anything but how fun it used to be.

Sometimes I think I’ll call you, I think I might apologize for thinking otherwise but I won’t. I never will. I have never needed anyone equally to the amount that I needed you but you quickly abandon me and that is all fine. I get used to being helpless and empty. But over the past few months you should know that you have been replaced for all it is worth and you did it all on your own account. All you would ever have to do is give me a ring and tell me you love me. Tell me you miss me. Tell me that I am valuable and that you should have never let me walk away like I did.

But like I said, I got so used to the pain. But you have been replaced. And as far as I can see, I’ll be better off and happier without you. I miss you all the time. I miss Friday nights with you. Rent a movie and grab some grub. Talking to you, one on one, those are things life is meant for, but I soon realize whom really cares about me.

I’ve really realized that lately. I’m a real mess sometimes but everyone is. I have started to become more and more comfortable in my own skin. Again, like I used to be. My confidence is coming back. My drive is starting to shine. I’m making real goals again. I have dreams that are different from the ones I had before but I feel satisfied and I feel a clarity. I am going to make sure all of my dreams come true.

I miss davey. There are nights I sit up and think, I truly just wish he was here to talk to, in person. Sometimes the telephone just isn’t enough. Actually, it never is. Phones cannot hold up to the real presence of another. I just have a lot of faith in God and a lot of faith in davey that he is doing good in the end. It’s hard to understand the situation sometimes but I trust him and his judgment. I just cannot wait to see him. He is one of the best friends I have ever had and I know that no matter what, we will always be friends.

Now it is April. I just did my taxes for the first time ever last week. I am looking forward to getting that extra cash from the government. I think I am going to start saving up for two major things. One a vehicle and two a round trip ticket to germany. These are things I need and or desire above all else at this very moment. It seems to me that I have filed my fafsa too late and will no longer be able to receive any governmental aids if I go to school at sbu this coming semester. I have half contemplated taking online courses. I am growing in my drive and also in my ability to handle time and a schedule. I think I could do online courses. I am sure if it doesn’t work out in one semester I will return to sbu the following semester.

I am really excited for summer to get here. I think I am the most excited about summer coming as I was when I was younger. Back when summer was my absolute favorite time. I am going to visit my mama’s and jim’s house often to have a nice swim. I am just really excited about the warm weather. The fact that I can walk or ride a bike to places I want to go. I am most excited that my only real responsibilities will be at my job for school will be out of session. Which also means friends will be down. I am just really loving life right now. I feel a reason and a path in what I am doing.

I am vastly approaching a separation between me now and somewhere I used to be. I hope as the years drag on or speed up that I will only become more self reliant, more ambitious, happier, and stronger. I hope to continue to grow both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I want help others. I want to be teach and be taught daily. I want to see several things in a single day that make it so beautiful and so unique. Things that make you happy to be alive, we are fast to forget until it is far gone. I wanna be able to think about the good while it has and is happening.

Life truly is beautiful. I think we all have something special to live for and sometimes we are sent astray to only find a better place where we belong and are needed even more so.

Tonight was a wonderful night. I walked over to Aunt Traci’s and enjoyed some of her spaghetti and garlic bread. I had a night like many special nights that only cricket, aunt traci, and I share. We snuggle in under covers on the couch and watch movies. Memories like that make me look back and smile really big. Makes me think of how often we used to do it. I am really going to miss Cricket when she goes to college. She is full of so much goodness I just cannot even tell you how grand she is. She alone can make me happy. I know she will be something spectacular to the rest of the world too someday.

The two films I watched are both going on my favorite movie list. The films were; Margot at the Wedding and Wristcutters. I have decided to include a good scene from each film and also to recommend you see them. I have to say that each of these films were beautiful. Beautiful in such a dark and real way. So much like your own existence that it makes you wonder where you are in life and what you can do to prevent certain things from happening or the fact that you cannot that life is all things good and bad. Life is so bittersweet so very much it’s own savior and it’s own demise at the very same time. I guess in that aspect we as people are life. We make it. We make it worth something, we make it powerful, awkward, meaningful, ugly, beautiful, dangerous, strange, every adjective! We humans create our own existence whatever it be, it is our own story. Everyone has something to say, something to tell. Who cares if anyone is listening, in the end someone always has the ears for your words.

i’m currently listening to coconut records, the cure, and devendra banhart, and you should be too.

Ode to the Sun

2008-05-21T02:20:00.000-07:00

all the good things that bring me peace of mind
and a happy heart
I thank the lord I've come this far
that I have breathed this long
that I have seen this many suns
I thank the lord that I've known so many souls
and each one is particularly magnificent in their own peculiar way
and I start to feel such a warm and fuzzy feeling
just knowing they existed and I was a piece of their lives
thoughts like this keep me sane
they keep me shiny
they keep me clean
I keep focused and I keep living locally
I keep enjoying ever moment every minute
cause sometimes as it turns out memories are all you've got
then you'll turn around and see that each new day is something special
each new day is such a miracle
something magical in the first breath
in the first step
in the first strokes
in the first time
something magical in a new day
so I start to sense a power in just being alive
and I start to feel like everything is surrounding me
like a huge embrace of sweet cotton candy hugs
this imagery is so childish
but I could not imagine this
much joy or satisfaction for life
and living then
but I can see it now
I can feel it all
bright
I can feel it all
sunny
I can feel it all
clean
and new
what a feeling the morning brings me
but it isn't just the morning
it is the evening too
and the afternoon
and all times of the day I seem to enjoy
the very act of existing
the sun is such a eye awakening thing
but it also refreshes the soul
I thank the lord
that I've come this far
that I've seen this many suns.
and this is my ode to the sun
for each morning it wakes me
and brightens my world
at seven a.m. I seem to rise
and with a smile
I feel the purity of the morning
and this is my ode to the sun
when it rises and when it sets
it is a spectacular promise
from the lord
oh lord how I thank you
that I have seen this many suns.

Seasons

2008-05-21T02:08:00.000-07:00

My throat hurts, it could my allergies or it could that I am getting whatever my mother had which was a huge list of respiratory and throat problems. Perhaps I should go see the Otolaryngology or the ear, nose, and throat doctor. Today I woke up just two minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I hate when that happens. Makes me angry that I even set the alarm in the first place. Today I have felt pretty good however I can feel that knot in my throat coming back and I am realizing it is that damned ole allergy season again. Spring. Pew. I dislike Spring.

I dislike true spring but I love what it represents. But with summer I love what is represent and what it is because it pans out almost always to be the best season of all. Besides winter, which I also love because it also does a good job of being exactly what it is meant to be. But fall is really unusual. I cannot think of anything exceptional about it.

But on to my discontentment of the season of Spring. I mostly dislike it because it rains all the time and you never know if you will or will not need a jacket or a rain coat or if you should just wear a shirt. Allergies are everywhere. Despite those few things I adore what Spring is all about.

Spring is about rebirth. It is where all the world comes to life after it's big white Winter hibernation. Winter and Spring have really meshed together this year, but you never know what the weather will be like in Missouri. I love the colors of Spring. They are all so vibrant. Today I saw a rich red tulip that I desperately wanted to pick out of someone's yard but Adzy informed me that it was more than likely planted there, so I decided not to pick it.

Though I like the colors, the meaning, and the concept of rebirth which is all a beautiful part of the Spring season, I absolutely can hardly wait for Summer. Summer was my favorite when I was younger and happier and as I am growing and becoming happier, again, Summer is taking it's place as my favorite Season again. However I am an extremist and my two favorite seasons are Summer and Winter.

Summer is magic, there is no doubt in any person's mind, of this I am sure. Summer for all the kids means no school. Summer love. Memories that only brightly sunlight days can bring back. Summer means sweating, swimming, sun bathing. Summer means less responsibility and more relaxation. Summer means finding yourself and hopefully others. Summer is the best time to share with friends and family. Summer is when people take vacation and roam away from the ordinary. Summer is a road trip with just one other person, as you both blast your favorite tunes and sing to them with all your heart and soul. Summer means less clothes, less shoes or even bare feet.Summer means iced tea, iced coffee, cold lemonade. Summer means getting caught up with people you have forgotten. Summer is where people come home for a rest after being gone for a while. Summer is a break. I love Summer, I truly love everything about it. Certain people remind me of summer and it makes me smile. It makes me feel alive. Revived.

I am really looking forward to this Summer more than I have ever looked forward to anything. When I get this gift of Summer, I will be most grateful.
Summer is when I can really let all my hair down and all my bohemian will outshine the rest of me. Something about summer makes me wanna tell the truth, makes me wanna fall in love, makes me wanna start a revolution, makes me wanna pick up a guitar and start that folk band.

oh life

2008-05-21T02:07:00.002-07:00

Oh life
what doors and windows
has thou flung open and shut so
suddenly for me

and I have always been
the one to see the end
before the road
was even run

how I have been
the very victim
of my own knowledge
in this
oh life

you are torture
you are treasure
you are so deeply involved
with me
and I of you
I cannot breath
any longer
without knowing your intentions.

call my name

2008-05-21T02:07:00.001-07:00

no one knows
they can only guess
and all of my tricks
have been in a bag
for far to long
and I let them out
and look what I get
nothing is going to change
and if my memory serves me right
this is exactly what it feels like
and I have no words
for once
I am speechless
I am feeling all my confidence shaken
all by the ones that care
and sometimes the ones that bother
I miss the easy
but I love the gain
the addition of meaning
the intensity of pain
but no body knows
they can only guess
and I wish you would call
I wish you would say
alexis, it's okay.
cause all this time
I've had my sunny side up
but I can see that now
and forever more
I have lost the view
I have lost the dream
you did this
alexis, you did this to me.
and you can call my name
and I'd be walking your way
cause I learn the ends
and I learn the outs
and this all takes time
sometimes I think too much
sometimes my love is not enough
sometimes I am all gone
I need a cup to fill me up
and I wish you would call
and I wish you would say
alexis, it's going to be okay.

/alexis snider

Hurt

2008-03-02T20:20:00.001-08:00

I have a lot of pain inside of me. I guess the grieving process has started tonight. I'm so lonely in more ways than one. One of my best friends in the entire world is states away and I have no idea when the next I will see him. My grandpa with whom I was very close recently died and I am starting to realize that I am feeling lonely because I am alone in more ways than one.

I have a lot of thinking to do. A lot of reevaluation. I'm confused about certain attributes about me that have been added and subtracted over time. I need to sit and think long and hard about the person I am. Is this who I truly am? Or am I taking easier steps to making only simple things happen.

I think I might have a broken heart, but I have nothing or no one to show for it.

I once read a quote that said, "frustration is often confused with love". I think this speaks to me so deeply and I am a part of those few who confuse the two.

I need the breath of fresh air of a new city a new place and new faces.

Simple, Happy, Life!

2008-02-17T18:52:00.000-08:00

Most of the things in our life that make it so beautiful are the simple things. The little bits and bites of different emotions, people, ideas, and so on and so forth that make it so incredible and both dependent and independent at the same time Oh the contradictions that make life hysterical and mad or crazy and sad. I have compiled a list of one hundred things that make me smile each time I come into contact with them. This is part of a healing and growth process. A process in which I can add one thing I am grateful for each day.

1. the feeling you get when someone sings to you or plays an instrument for you.
2. The intensity of singing at the top of your lungs in a car with one of your best friends to some of the worst older songs on the radio.
3. seeing someone laugh and cry at the same time.
4. laughing and crying at the same time.
5. getting tickled or ticking someone else.
6. playing with your hair.
7. you playing with mine.
8. looking into someone's eyes and knowing exactly what they are thinking.
9. looking into someone's eyes and having no idea what they are thinking.
10. skinny jeans
11. flats
12. closing my eyes and listening to music.
13. seeing someone else close their eyes while they listen to music.
14. kissing
15. hugging
16. the feeling of hugging someone and wondering if you will ever really let go.
17. bubble baths
18. hide and seek
19. coca cola
20. myspace because it allows people to truly stay connected.
21. meeting someone new
22. the first laugh that comes from a new friendship.
23. looking at the stars and feeling God.
24. dancing in and out of the rain.
25. holding your tongue of for a snowflake to fall upon it and it does.
26. catching a falling leaf.
27. tag
28. jumping on a trampoline with a bunch of your friends.
29. performing a play for your grandmother or the rest of your immediate family.
30. feeling so good it hurts.
31. getting a call from someone unexpectedly.
32. spending hours riding around in a car with a friend.
33. the first kiss
34. the moment you realize that you need them in your life.
35. the moment they realize they need you.
36. confessing feelings.
37. hearing someone else's confessions.
38. looking at pictures you just took of you and a friend on a digital camera and laughing at "how terrible you both look".
39. feeling like you are walking on a cloud.
40. listening to a song and feeling like it was written for your very own life at that very moment.
41. when a song makes you cry.
42. when a song takes you to a place so far away from where you at the moment that you cannot stop listening to it.
43. sleeping in.
44. sleeping in when it's raining.
45. laying in bed with someone and just talking.
46. napping with someone.
47. hearing a song you grew up with and haven't heard in a long time and feeling like you were back there again.
48. new beginnings.
49. spending entire weekends on the couch with your best friends watching the best movies.
50. how predicable the people you know can be.
51. how unpredictable new people can be.
52. the warmth in a family members or friends voice.
53. the feeling that something is missing while people you care about have gone away.
54. getting pierced.
55. wine
56. intoxicated confessions coming from either side.
57. hearing the good news after the bad news.
58. smoothies
59. the first day you step outside and realize that it is summer and so you get your bathing suit on and jump in the pool and invited over your really good friends for a swim.
60. reminiscing with someone.
61. taking long hot showers.
62. staying up way too late.
63. being the first in a class to do something correctly.
64. checking your email and getting actual emails from actual people.
65. the way certain music makes you feel.
66. the desire to get up and do something.
67. feeling confident.
68. being inspired.
69. sneezing.
70. when people say Gesundheit instead of bless you.
71. secrets.
72. comfort food.
73. bob dylan, the beatles, the flaming lips, the strokes, devendra banhart, neil young, the rolling stones, velvet underground, tv on the radio, bright eyes, and much more.
74. when something triggers a memory.
75. laughing.
76. feeling in control.
77. really really good guitar rifts.
78. a clear conscience.
79. embracing change.
80. hot coca, a blanket, a fire, a friend.
81. hot tea, a blanket, a lamp, a book.
82. certain situations you'd love to repeat.
83. wrestling with your siblings.
84. knowing folks you can trust.
85. keepin it cool.
86. not playing the game.
87. being told you will love something and finding out that is completely incorrect that you cannot help but laugh.
88. being told you will love something and discovering they were so right all you can do is just say thanks with a huge smile on your face.
89. being so excited about telling a story and building it up so big that no matter what you will say it won't do half of what it was intended too.
90. fantasies.
91. sharing your fantasies.
92. not being afraid.
93. being afraid but being rescued.
94. people . culture . philosophy . religion . writing . music . art . photography . graphic design . paingting . drawing . psychology . quotes . poetry . lyrics . dancing . singing . performing . taboos . films . reading . conversations . humor . dreams . learning . the internet . computers . ideas .
yoga . blogging . life . language . social networking . self-expression . beatniks . hidden treasures . hipsters . intellectuals . politics . secrets . coffee . extreme behavior. costmetics . hipsters . being brave and afraid . hot tea . peace . public relations . gymnastics . fantasies . truth . love . ♥ .
95. having favorites and being favored.
96. ice cream.
97. bon fires.
98. fire works.
99. the way light hits people's faces and they look more beautiful than ever.
100. making a list of things that make you smile.
101. actually smiling when you read the list.
102. someone else smiling and commenting that they enjoyed your list.
103. inspiring others to make a list.

Yeah it's part of a healing and growth process. I think it's life. It's the art of living and I am doing my best to paint the very best strokes so that everyone knows that I truly desire and feel and love and care. I want to be the artist of inspiration.

Fresh and Ripe

2008-02-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

Today marks over two months since my last post. I find that a little disappointing but I have posted regularly in some blog or another. I recently decided to sign up for as many social networking sites as possible and blogs as well, just to see which I prefer. Turns out I prefer myspace and facebook. Yet I find that ever site has something individual that it offers that I truly enjoy. I signed up for a flixster account and have remained satisfied with it thus far. I think the idea behind that site is rather magnificent. Social networking for movie lovers, now that is clever.

I have been pondering lately what little gem of a website I am going to come up with but nothing solid comes to mind. I really dig the internet biz but I am not sure I would want that as a job. I would however consider working for; myspace, google, or microsoft. Perhaps one day.

But in other news I have decided that I love Kevin Smith. I think he is pretty excellent. I believe it has something to do with the fact that he allows his movies to be so personal and also more like a television series but it is a movie making it even more extraordinary.

I still have a few movies of his that I need to review before I idealize him. That's a joke. But honestly I like to write a lot and will do it for almost any or no reason at all. I begin with a blank sheet of paper and end up with something pages long. It can be a little weird when you are trying to file a police report.

Once I had to do that and Lindsay wrote one sentence and I ended up writing two paragraphs. I sometimes bring too much detail to the simplest of things and over analyze the silliest of things. Here lately I have been the one to calm certain situations down with even more over analytical individuals. I have an idealistic nature that tends to balance that out a bit. I am learning to enjoy everything in separate moments.

Each one different and irreplaceable. It is a good feeling. Today I went to my Uncle's wedding. He got remarried. Aunt Traci and I arrived right as the bride was about to walk down the isle. We were a little embarrassed. It turned out to be a very cute short wedding. The wedding reception was really fun. We danced forever. I had a blast and was so tired I did not go out tonight.

I am glad. I like being at home a lot more than I used to. At the moment I am at my father's house. Staying up late even though I was exhausted on the way back from Springfield. I seriously need to go back there and visit those blair friends that I have made.

On with Kevin Smith topic though I have decided I want to write a screenplay in a style near to his. I have no real idea where to start yet but I will sooner than later think of something and have it all written out. Trouble is I usually give up on pieces or forget about them before I get to any real resolution.

That could be a constant struggle in my life. A lack of resolution. But I am going to resolve a lot of things for myself. I have been. To every end a new beginning!

So I am fresh and I am ripe and ready for the pickin'!

The Decison

2007-12-08T13:46:00.000-08:00

It's been over a month since I last wrote in this blog. Yet every time I come back to it, my writing flows so fluidly. I believe it has something to do with the fact that it is pure blog. I don't feel pressured to impress anyone. I just feel like this is me in the form of my writing and that is all. Readings, viewers, subscribers, and so on can take it as they please.

This post might seem a bit randomized and for that I can blame my meandering mind. I shall begin with yesterday. I started out the day rather tired. The night prior to that I didn't slumber until five in the morning. I guess in some ways I am trying to get the most fill I can out of life at Missouri State University, and my wonderful suite mates, turned friends. So yesterday I awoke, took a shower and headed over to the library for the end of the semester party.

At this party we (we being all the people that are currently employed by the university's library) all gathered together to enjoy each other and some rather scrumptious vittles. I rather enjoyed working at the library and it was a sad thought to think that at that moment it could be the last time I ever see some of those people. After the party I received a gift from my boss Emily. It was one of those delicious candy canes that are filled with Hersey's kisses, which happen to be one of my favorite candies. I thanked Emily and said goodbye to her and everyone else and was on my way back to my dorm.

In my dorm room I sit relaxed at my desk starring blankly at my computer screen. I was awake for no apparent reason. Just awake. I needed to sleep, I had gotten up at nine and went to bed at five, not exactly a desirable sleep schedule. Yet, I just sit and type and look and chat on the computer. Soon I am asked to go to lunch. I go to lunch. I sit at the booth for three hours. It was really fun though, and I had a good chat with my new friend Ryne. Then my new friend Ben came and sat by us. After that we all ended up hanging out in my dorm room and talking. Then after hours of that we ordered pizza. Then we played rock band, the best modern day video game hands down.

After they left I sat up again with my suite mates till about five. I had to wake up at 9:30 in order to get ready to go and take my final for art. I thought that today was going to be a terrible day. I woke up feeling extremely tired and very unsure about my knowledge of the arts; however, after I left that class today after taking my final, I was sure that I had beaucoup knowledge of the arts. I was throughly prepared and realized that I actually knew a lot of these things on my own. So I left class feeling pretty fantastic.
I then returned to my dorm to get a few hours of shut eye. I woke up in enough time to head over to the library for my obscure two to six shift. It is only obscure because I do not usually work this shift and it is only because of the presence of finals that I work at this time. So here I am. "Working". Is it ironic that I came to college to find what I want to do with my life and all I have found it that my favorite thing about coming here has been the following:
Emily
Working
Meeting Lots of New People
Trying New Things
Making Friends
and so on, but since I came here to find my so called societal purpose in life I have found everything but that here. I have found friends, emotions I never thought I would feel, taken spontaneous trips I more than likely wouldn't have otherwise and have really meet a lot of people. I guess these things are what I am going to miss the most about Missouri State.

Yes, if by now you have not already guessed I have made the decision to leave Missouri State and attend SBU at semester. I am excited, nervous, and just anticipating what will come. I love the thrill of the unknown. Oh the possibilities. I feel like this is a more reasonable and relaxed fit for me. After SBU, who knows where I will go. I am sure I will move somewhere further away. I want to experience America from a different perspective, meaning I want to move to a part of America that I don't know or having experienced. I want to start fresh with no strings attached. This world is more than we think but it just will never be enough.

And so says I, belong to something greater and I search for it within myself and find it in everyone else. Love. Peace. Happiness.

The Plant

2007-11-05T21:34:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I wrote in this blog. I think now is a good time because I have noticed, that for the most part this blog has remained to have a rather positive on going theme. I am feeling a lot better. I went to a counseling session and am to make appointments for the future. Being able to talk about how I am truly feeling without having someone place judgement upon me is simply freeing and spectacular. I look forward to further progress and will try and keep this blog more up to date.

I was truly wanting to leave this place at semester because I was completely unsatisfied here and felt unchallenged. I still feel that way somewhat but I am trying harder and I am going to make the effort to be a stronger, well rounded, student, and individual.

I think the biggest challenge for someone my age is finding myself, and especially doing it without making myself the central focus. I am looking forward to find what effects I have on the world and how everything else is affected by me.

Along with the longing to leave this place I felt that the opportunities would only grow for me if I did. If that makes any since...? Basically my belief is that if I leave at this semester and go to school in my hometown I will only make and save money. I will also learn how to drive again, since it has been several years since I have even really attempted to drive a vehicle.

Benefits to going to SBU are the following:
*save and make money
*learn to drive
*allows for better closure
*take math and science at a easier pace.

Disadvantages to going to SBU are as followed:
*not exactly the freedom I might desire
*might be lonely
*readjustments must be made

I believe that the advantages out way heavily the disadvantages, still I am not exactly sure which I actually want. I am traveling home this weekend and hopefully can gain good advice from much wiser individuals than I.

Also such wonderful news I must post is the new leaf I have turned over.
I pledge to myself all of the following to allow myself to be completely cleansed.

-Cleanse Pledge-
*no smoking
*no drinking
*no going out unless homework/studying is done
*take showers
*clean my room
*go to be before 2 am
*eat when hungry
*study the bible
*pray

I am looking to cleanse myself so that I can be a new person willing and ready for any challenge. I want to be the person that can make things happen and make others happy. It is built within me to make what I dream a reality I just need to be cleansed to fix the mess I have made of myself lately. This mess is not necessarily all my fault but I did participate in it's making. I have felt no motivation for sometime now, but now I have grown just the littlest bit of desire to get up and do and make something of myself anew.

So I am a plant,
waiting to be washed and refreshed
with the water that falls
from the heavens above,
the world is alive
with the lords love.
I am so open to soak it in
to have this happiness
eternal.

The Viral

2007-10-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

This weekend was family weekend and my wonderful mother and sister came up to see me. I was very happy to see them and I had a magnificent time visiting with them. I have missed them terribly. My mother and sister are for the most part, my family. I would not be able to live without them. While they were up, we went to this fine authentic Italian restaurant. I honestly had the best Italian food I have ever eaten there, and their bread...words cannot describe the perfection in the flour!
We also visited some old friends and ended up spending the night over there. All in all I had a fantastic time, but I cannot wait to go to my home town for a break.

I miss Lindsay! I miss Cricket, Jenna, Aunt Traci, Davey and the beat goes on!

I have been sick now for a little over a week it seems and nothing has happened. I go to the clinic here on campus and all they do is take some of my blood, test it to see if I have mono and the ending result is negative. This has happened twice and yet again I have another appointment to get tested to see if I have mono.

The reason? The particular viral infection that I have is related to mononucleosis and therefore, could possibly turn into that at anytime.

What the doctor says.
Get as much rest as you can, do not kiss anyone, do not let others drink after you. You are contagious.

I am contagious but not just with my viral. I have a personality that seems to seep slowly into other people. I am not sure if I like this trait. I wonder why I am so contagious?

The viral, is what I affectionately call it. I am the viral.

I feel overworked, I want to quit one of my jobs.
I want to work at the library and at the magic bean.
The alumni center is too much for me right now.
can someone say, viral 2 weeks notice?

[I want more people to be relaxed. ]

[I want more of the focus to be on good things]

Reflection Part 2 [Lessons Learned]

2007-10-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

My obsession with online writing does not only include me, it extends to nearly everyone and everything. What I mean here, is that I truly enjoy online reading as well. I love to read and write online. The internet is something I hold close to my heart. I am a bit of an addict but I am in no position to quit now. Last night I was reading my subscriptions on xanga. The day before that I was reading someone's general interests section. Each affected me. They each offered me first hand advice. I believe all advice is valuable but first hand being the most valuable.

So here now I want to present you all with my very own first hand advice. I am in no ways to be thought of as a wise man or woman. No, I am just a regular person, for that reason this advice might be of use to you. What one person has lived another can learn from. Also I am just a completely nostalgic person and I cannot resist a chance to reminisce.

First,

Sharing a bedroom isn't all that bad. Especially when you are little. When I was growing up, it wasn't until I was in the sixth grade that I got my own bedroom. Although I saw that as a luxury is wasn't of much use. My sister had her room and I had mine, but at night we would both be asleep in one bed. I guess it was just a comfort thing. If you grow up having someone beside you always, it makes it harder to sleep alone. To everyone I suggest that it is good to share a bedroom with a sibling. It builds a stronger bond.

The sibling bond is a necessary one. To everyone whom has siblings it is vital to have a good relationship with them. I cannot imagine life without mine. So if things aren't so good between you and your siblings then I suggest you patch things up, because they link you forever to your past and no one will ever understand you as much as them.

Do not do anything you are ashamed of. I honestly make this one of my rules to live by. I have such disdain for someone who participates in behaviors that they are ashamed off. I suggest not doing that particular action or not being ashamed of it. This is just hypocritical and doesn't help anyone.

Watch people. People are the most interesting thing about life. Sometimes I believe the very reason we live is just to watch, listen, and interact with one another. I have learned so many things by just being the audience.

Don't ever let fear stop you. So much of what we do is based off of our fears, but don't let it ever stop you. Find out why you are scared of it and use your fear as full.

You are not your parents. Whatever your parents accomplished is not from your effort and neither are their mistakes. All you can do is to watch and learn from them and hopefully be a better person because of the way they raised you.

Never party three nights in a row. There is really no need for this, but once won't hurt.

Size doesn't matter. I mean this in the sense that so many people have an resolved issue with certain sized human beings. Size isn't what matters. It is a person's outlook. I am one of the shortest people that I know but I am also one of the tallest in my perspective. Size does not matter at all.

Be passionate. It is difficult to connect with someone when they do not know what, if any, that they love. Passion is something everyone should have, for someone or something.

One is enough. One might be a lonely number but it just takes one to get things moving and changed. If you find something in your life to be undesirable, it is your duty to do something about it. Complaining does nothing. One is enough to get the show on the road.

Television is not truth. Do not take anything you see on television to be 100% factual. The media is so one sided and biased, you have no idea what you are not seeing. Do your best to research and find out. If you truly care about the world; read, write, listen, and advocate.

You must find God yourself. Nothing anyone else says or does will lead you to truth the way finding God for yourself will.

Take your camera everywhere. A friend once told me that pictures idealize everything. She is so wise. If the image is something you relate to or experience it becomes valuable to you. So take picture of your life and save them. Keep a memory box and go through it ever once in a while when you are down. Recovering memories is such an intense and awesome feeling.

Keep an open mind. In every aspect of life, whether it be towards different people or different music or movies. It will allow you to experience a richer life with more interesting details.

Keep secrets and inside jokes. It is just neat to have something that only you and a few other people know. It makes your relationship with that person special and more valuable. Keep secretes and inside jokes but do not gossip.

Kids are the best teachers. It is said that when one teaches two learn. During my experience with the park program I learned this to be very true. You can learn so much from children. You will wish you were still a kid. There is so much innocence that is lost of over the years, but so much wisdom is gained. The life we live in, is give and take.

Make friends with people who share the same values as you. Smoke with them, drink with them, have babies with them, eat ice cream with them in the middle of the road, get illnesses with them, steal cream cheese with them, run up stair as obnoxiously as you can with them, spend entire weekends with them, discuss the meaning of life with them, laugh till you cry with them, drink coffee with them, volunteer with them, work with them, listen to music with them, travel with them, live and die with them. True friends are hard to find but once you find them they stick, they stick.

Always do what feels right, do not hold regrets or grudges and make the best of what is too come. Remember this life is only temporary. There is much more for your eyes to see. Travel. Sing. Dance. Write. Read. Act. Play. Have Fun, Make Love, and Share your lessons learned.

Blogging

2007-10-05T01:27:00.001-07:00

I love to write. Period. So I have a lot of Blogs. It is cool because each blog provides a different feel. Most social networking sites and the like will come with a blog. For me blogging is a hobby but I want it to be so much more than that. If I could be paid to blog I think that might honestly be a dream come true. I was thinking about that today while Lindsay or Mono and I were on our smoke break.

I enjoy smoking and I know it honestly isn't a beneficial exercise but I participate in it because I like it. I am not pressure by anyone to smoke. In fact many people around me dislike the fact that I smoke. I discuss this fact with Lindsay on occasion. She once stated that their is some what of a separation between people of the world that smoke and people of the world that do not. The more I think about it, the more I agree with that.

Smoking truly is subject to a class all it's own but I adore that fact. It is almost an exclusive but completely open ritual at the same time. There is nothing like sitting outside smoking and watching people go by, having a nice conversation with the person you are with. It is best to drink coffee while you smoke your little skinny cigarette. If you have not seen the movie coffee and cigarettes you might still be able to perceive why, just by doing it. There is a connection between the two. Coffee and Cigarettes.

I enjoy smoking for the most part because it is so easy to sit, talk, relax, and just unwind with a friend, a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It is no wonder my favorite things in the world are conversations, coffee, and friends. I might add cigarettes, beer, and coca cola to the list as well and blogging.

To this blog I must add that since I do have a lot of other blogs you might wish to check them out. You can do so by clicking the following links.

Myspace Xanga

So now I wonder how I can make a career out of my obsession with online writing?

Reflection Part 1

2007-10-04T00:39:00.001-07:00

Tonight the reflection must be on nothing other than my intentions.
What are they are where are they coming from?
How relevant is all this to my future?

Lately I have been catching the common cold on purpose. The reality is that I am making the most out of a illness. I guess a person is liable to do this and it doesn't necessarily cause harm. My intentions at first, when it came to college was to learn.

Education was the most important part of my life and it had been for sometime. I am starting to realize the education was never just from the classroom. I am being exposed to more and more new ventures, lifestyles, and ideas. I like this most of all. I have found a lot of myself here already, I have found a need to care. A lot of my intentions are relationship based. I feel that meeting new people has hindered my somewhat as far as my schedule goes.

My schedule right now is my biggest problem. I believe it could be the cause of my sudden shaky ill-fated state. See I am a college student working two jobs. Each job gives me a total of ten hours per week, so that adds up to twenty, cause you aren't really good at math, like me. That is a laughable matter because math is not my strong suit at all. Regardless of this fact; I know that I am being overworked and I am not getting enough play.

Play? How exactly can I define this for the modern day college freshman, female? For me I am out at parties on some occasions and on others I am alone in my suite or with a few most prised individuals watching a movie. I have wasted weekends at parties...in more than one sense of that word...waited! I do not like it. I leaves me paranoid and shaky for days. It my intention now, tonight, is to stop the chaos and sleep. Yet, I have an ongoing issue with sleep. It defines me sometimes as not enough or too much. I cannot get that nice in between that leaves you paying at least half the way attention in class. I either get that startled and completely awake or the slumberous non attentive. Either way, sleep puts me into stages that I have a terrible time getting out. I watched many people over sleep and I used to always feel so sorry for them, that was until I came here and came to understand their admiration for the issue. I find that I can connect myself to nearly anything if I just focus hard enough.

Honestly everything seems connected to me, I just wish I knew how to make others see this. To be honest sometimes I feel like my attendance here is a sell out to the corporates . I don't it to be that way at all, so I tell myself I am here to decide and find what will make me happy to be employed in that position for a while. My other worry is that I am loosing so much of what I used to have here and that I will never get this back; this reverts back to my ideas about relationships and the hardships of the such. I miss so much but I don't want that to ruin my present or my future. To cap it all of the question is still, why am I here? What are my intentions? Sometimes I want to invert the world and see the world through the eyes of another, viewing me.

My wish is that the world would offer itself to love, then we wouldn't have to worry ourselves into hate, despair, fear, and jealousy.